Decide to be sensitive. Decide to be happy

Unfortunately I tend to agree with this. And have had said experience with exactly that for a good majority of my life.

Up until a few years ago, I never knew what it was like to truly love someone; to feel vulnerable, to let my ‘Great Wall of China’ down, to allow someone in. I absolutely had the mindset that if I didn’t let anyone in, I couldn’t get hurt anymore. If I was a cold hearted woman, the ‘Ice Queen’ then I wouldn’t get broken anymore than I was. I couldn’t hurt anymore than I already was hurting. And no one could ‘have it over me’, no one could control me.

But then I let it happen. And when it happened, when I let someone in completely, let myself be absolutely vulnerable and gave my everything to that person, it was the most overwhelming, confusing, cRaZy brief moment in time that changed my life forever. When it didn’t work, it was the greatest pain I had ever experienced, outside of grief. Yet it was the most magical, amazing, beautiful thing that could have happened to my life, for now I see love and beauty in all life around me and know what it feels like to truly love someone. And now I open my heart freely, have set boundaries, (very high ones at that), have to guard myself in a completely new way, which I’m still learning. But I am absolutely open to life, to love, to happiness, to beautiful people, sharing beautiful moments in time, to the amazing people I am blessed with day in and day out, my family, friends and my beautiful baby boy (that is unfortunately not a baby boy anymore).

Before I saw dark clouds all around me. I saw opportunities of pain, hurt and more people to use and abuse me. And funnily enough this was reflected in the clothing I wore. Now, I see bright colours surrounding me. I see beauty in everything. I appreciate the small things. I cherish the small moments in time where my son still snuggles me and tells me he loves me more (as a pre-teen who knows when he will be ‘too cool’ for that). I appreciate the cool sea breeze, the smell of rain, the coolness on my arms as I drive through a rainforest with the windows down, the touch of a kiss or a love filled embrace that otherwise would have meant nothing and felt empty from this side of a wall less broken but is now destroyed by Miley’s wrecking ball.

I now understand that for me to want an amazing man in my life, who will love me completely, I have to be able to do the same with him and be able to give him my heart completely also. If I want someone to fight as hard to keep me when things aren’t going rosey, that I too have to be willing to fight for them.

Yes it’s scary to be hurt. It’s frightening to think of the pain one’s vulnerability can bring. But try focus on the positives. Isn’t it beautiful and enriching to have that love, that happiness, that connection with someone; even if it’s for a reason, season or lifetime.

I have let others into my life, into my heart since. And they didn’t work. The only regret I have is the hurt it has brought to my son from having that disappointment. But I wouldn’t change it. Some of these people are now my best friends. Some I will happily never speak to again. But I still appreciate the journey they were apart of, the memories they gave me, the happiness, love and respect shared, the lessons, the growth and the encouragement some gave and still give me.

We can always hold fear in our hearts and souls to protect us. But at what cost? To be truly happy, you must open yourself to the beauty of what could be instead of the fear of what happens if.

We all deserve to be loved. We all deserve to be happy. It is our right to live the fullest, most complete life we can and to share that with others. We only get one chance and we don’t know how long we have. Why waste another minute worrying about what could happen and instead focus of the beauty of what could be. Life is what we make it. Make it count.