My heart is so completely overflowing with love and pride for this little big human, I am so fortunate to have walk beside me as my son.
Tonight, we were lying on the couch, binge watching TV (which I rarely do), catching up on Grey’s Anatomy. There was a moment where Alex was talking to his estranged Mum, when Jake turns to me and says:
‘Mum, you’re the best Mum I could have ever asked for. You are my Mum and my Dad, and I love you so much’.
I was so taken back. He genuinely meant it, though I made a little joke and giggled with; ‘What do you want?’ followed by a big snuggle on the couch and telling him how amazing he is and how lucky I am to have him as a son.
(This photo was me trying to take a video while he was gently rubbing my cheek back and forward before this moment. But every time I tried to capture it on camera he would stop and pull a silly face).
It’s moments like these, (which are happening more and more, particularly in this last year), that I am deeply grateful for and immensely proud of.
I am so thankful that I knew deep in my heart that I could change things, that I could make them better.
There had to be a way to change the patterns and cycles of many generations that passed before me. And there was.
I knew deep down, that despite the many sacrifices my boy and I have had to experience, the time and opportunities we have missed out on together, (being a working single mum), that it would somehow all come together. I truly believed deep down that it would all work out.
And it is, and has thus far.
5+ yrs ago told a very different story.
He physically attacked me out of anger and frustration on a couple of occasions.
He put scissors to his chest, telling me he wanted to kill himself.
He would run away and hide in nearby bushes often. He was in and out of different counsellors and psychiatrists offices, and at once stage we were looking at a mental health plan for him. He struggled with his anger and he was deeply hurting every day.
I knew I had to find answers, not only for my own pain, but more for him.
I had to find out how to help him heal and regulate his emotions before we got to the teen years, where the very real risk of how our family deals with trauma (addiction) became a reality for my boy.
I was scared that if I didn’t find a way, didn’t find answers, if I couldn’t help him with his anger and his abandonment issues, that I would end up losing him to addiction too. That was not something I was willing to accept.
A lot of people have questioned my decisions, my sacrifices, my life over the years. That’s perfectly ok. So had I. But, I now understand why I did certain things. I appreciate that those times helped shape who I am and the mission I’m on to help shape a family dynamic for the 21st Century.
What I have learnt is that everyone comes from their model of the world and everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have. Less judgement, less enabling, more support and more kindness can go along way.
I am incredibly grateful for finding NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and Time Line Therapy(r) when I did, for it was the start of our healing journey; together and individually. It was the beginning of what we needed for us to both move forward, and for me to be able to begin to break the patterns and conditioning of our ancestors (and therefore help heal my son).
This article is for any Mummas who are feeling desperate, helpless and unsure what the hell to do. Keep looking, keep searching, keep fighting for you and for your babies. There are so many incredible modalities out there now, (as well as the ones mentioned above), so many great healers and light workers, that the answers are out there.
What I have found is that we need to go through that darkness for us to both transcend it. To rise from the ashes, feel the pressure of the coal, to be the seed that was buried deep in Mother Earth.
We can transform, and to break old conditioning we must BREAK the parts of us that are not aligned with our true being.
Literally, we will likely feel broken. But, only to recognise there were elements of us that were meant to break all along. An old version of us, that was moulded by everyone else.
To piece things back together and become who we were actually born to be, we must actually break and then piece things together with gentle, loving, kindness the way we actually we want them to be instead.
Everyday I questioned if I was doing the right thing, if the sacrifices would be worth it, if I was doing more damage. Every single day. There were many times when I thought I was screwing him up, felt like I had done a lot of damage – (check out this video) and was f#@king things up even more. And now I know with absolute certainty, I did what I felt I needed to do at the time, for us both.
And it is paying off.
Needless to say, my baby boy still has his own life to live and own mistakes to make. He is destined for whatever his life purpose is for him and he will pave his own path. But, I know, he is doing that from a much better place, emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally than if I had not taken this path and made those sacrifices. Had I not helped find a way for us to both heal and transmute the pain and suffering of our ancestors, and our own from this life, who knows where we would be right now.
So, each moment, each day that I get to share with him; moods, hormones and all, I am eternally grateful, for this angel that came into my life saved me.
He has taught me how to love selflessly, allowed me to be #SELFish so I could be the best version of me, to honour and give him the best version of ‘Mumma’ he deserves.
And now, in his teenager years, I receive more love and affection from him (because I can give more to him, to show him what that looks like – refer to my previous article ‘Confessions of an Ice Queen’, where I wasn’t capable of these things because I never had a frame of reference for these). Now, he has that and he openly displays that, even in public still.
Because we healed, we transformed, we found light in the darkness.
We created a new narrative together, a new story. Our story.
And because of that I have faith that he will be ok, (even though the next 10 years still terrify me because he’s a boy – and boys are fearless!)
As we lay a foundation of love, a sense of home and empower our babies to make conscious choices and emotionally regulate, I truly believe they have a much greater chance of figuring their own path out in a less destructive, more healthy, still mistake lesson driven way. Because, after all, we are all still humans having a human experience.
I know you feel like you’re screwing it up, but trust me, you’re doing the best you can right now! Believe they will make it through. Keep fighting, keep searching and find your tribe to support you along the way.
Krissy is the proud founder of #SELFishMums and thought leader in 21st Century modern family thinking and being.
Krissy dedicates her life to empowering others, (particularly Mummas) to truly step into their power, own their self worth and learn the value of being #SELFish.
Self care is not selfish – the time is NOW to make YOU a priority.
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