Happiness, it’s one of those words that I only ever dreamt of growing up and still dreamt of up until a few years ago. People used to ask me, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ and I used to think to myself ‘I just want to be happy and actually know what that means and feels like’.
I didn’t understand what it meant to be happy. I knew what it looked like from watching people around me, but to say I felt that myself, not genuinely. I would get small glimpses here and there over the years, like a mouse tormented with the cheese, only to be trapped by the shock of it being bitter sweet; getting a taste then having it taken away just as quickly as it came.
Most of my life my wounds were raw. I had never been connected to my soul, that I remember, and my heart was commonly referred to as ice. Nothing ever healed; my body, my heart or my soul. I cried a lot, behind closed doors generally, and I never gave too much away or let anyone in. I hid behind a mask and that’s when my ‘cRaZy’ was born. I wanted to be happy so I ‘acted as if’, but all the wrong ways; I would do what others didn’t, I would say what others wouldn’t, I wouldn’t care when I probably should have. I partied, I craved attention, (and got it). I was a little on the wild side. I was so disconnected. I bare the pain, wore the scars and went on living my pursuit of unrelenting ‘happiness’.
When I realised I was becoming out of control, and my pursuit was a very unrealistic, artificial happiness, I pulled the reigns in, and became a different ‘cRaZy’; workaholic, isolated but focussed on wanting a better life. And so the pursuit of genuine happiness commenced again. And again, didn’t go so well.
It wasn’t until a few years ago, once I slowed down, that I opened up for the first time ever in my life. Opened up my heart and soul, to love, completely and honestly. I let myself be vulnerable for the first time ever. In that moment, my Great Wall of China, that had served and protected me my whole life (and this time more than ever, should have), dissipated in those undeserving moments. And it was in that moment, life became something else I had never known, experienced or seen before. Don’t get me wrong, this brief love affair did not give me the happiness. Quite the opposite. After opening a heart that had never seen the light of day by an immensely spectacular firework that could light up the night sky in a way like no other, I felt like I was dying on the inside when it fizzled out as quickly as it exploded in my heart. At the time, I felt tormented more than ever by this experience and didn’t understand the ‘reason’ for it. No, the happiness certainly did not come from that love.
The happiness came after waking up, seemingly shed of said heartache, with my heart open, filled with a new love I had never known; pure, to see a light in the world so pristine, so picturesque, so bright. It was like I woke up on Earth for the first time, after living on Pluto prior; warm and lush, full of radiance and humanity, after ‘serving’ on a planet that was cold, unjust and isolated. All of a sudden I could see beauty all around me, love filled my heart for everything I could see, hear, smell, touch and taste. My senses exploded before me and happiness was born.
For the first time since my son was born, I saw him the way I always dreamed of seeing him; with an unprotected heart so full of love that it overwhelmed me and brought me to tears. Similar to when he was born and I met him for the first time after carrying him in my belly for what seemed like an eternity, but true to my soul this time; without the protective bubble that encased me my entire life. I felt this incredible love, like I always hoped to find, that I had never experienced or knew I would be capable of ever feeling. Feeling that love for my son, as I had watched my best friends share with him, was the most amazing, beautiful feeling in the world. Something I had cried over many times as I just didn’t now how to love him that way, no matter how hard I tried, suddenly I could. And in that moment, I felt pure happiness, as I had dreamed about for decades. The ice queen’s heart began to melt and the more the heart became pink in colour, as the unconditional love circulated the arteries for the first time ever, the world became brighter, and the door to happiness opened.
Over the few years since happiness came knocking the demons still lurched in the shadows and would try take that happiness away. On some days, they would win. The Great Wall of China was back on guard, however not with my closest of friends or my little halo of man anymore. Progression. But more often then not, the tables had turned and the happiness overthrew the shadows of the demons that still filled my closet and I saw the beauty of living with a heart full of love instead. The scars faded somewhat, the wounds began to heal, the ice continued to melt and I became a bit more connected. But the demons remained, I just pushed them further and further aside. But everyone knows you can’t find true happiness until you face them openly and honestly. So that’s what I did… And wullla, the pursuit of happiness is achieved.
It’s nearly been a year since I started the new journey to face my demons, and over 6 months since my demons and I came face to face. The overwhelming feeling has vanished now, as I live everyday with complete happiness, gratitude and love. The demons have actually become my friends; guiding me to growth if any of my projections stir up unease. We are now connected, working as a team, revelling in life; the serenity, the awe, the trust, the marvel of this creation and the love and happiness we now share equally.
This Titanic could have sunk. It came close a few times. But for one reason or another, I was sent a flare in the coldest of times and it was directed right at that iceberg.
I never knew happiness, and after everything I have been through in my life, I found it and it’s remained. If you too have never known happiness, the key is to open your soul and find the beauty in life. If you have, then you know what it feels like, and you know how amazing it can be. The truth is, you need to face your demons. Don’t suppress them, they will only multiply in numbers the longer they go unnoticed. Happiness makes life worth living. Love gives happiness a meaning. It’s all worth facing to be open to what’s next.
A little song that has resonated with me for the longest time. If you wake up and it’s gone, in your heart of hearts, you know where to find it again.