‘It takes a strong person to look at something and to see not what you have lost, but what you can gain moving forward.’ Kristel Duggan
In December of 1996 my biological father went missing. He was found some months later. The one and only occasion I saw him after my parents split, that I recall was Father’s Day 1992.
When I think of this day, I am seven years old again. I still remember him driving down my Aunty’s driveway as I came running out the front door as fast as my little legs would take me with the biggest smile on my face. I remember the stubble on his face as he kissed my cheek. That memory flooding through the first time I ever kissed a boyfriend with the same hard bristles of facial hair many years later.
I remember how short I was next to him, his khaki coloured Land Rover. I don’t know how long he stayed, nor do I remember what we talked about that day. I just remember gazing up at him like it was a dream. I remember the events that followed and the excruciating feeling of having my heart ripped out of my tiny little chest as he drove away without a goodbye. A goodbye I never realised I would never get.
Some 4.5 years later I would get a call that would shatter my world, shatter my dreams of one day going to live with my Dad, to get to know the man who decided my name be spelt Kristel, not Crystal for he didn’t want Cry in my name because I was strong.
Today I look at this photo of your farm, nothing compared to what it used to look like, and I think of what it will bring me in the near future. Yes I don’t have the reminder of you by living where you grew up, but I will have the reminder of you in a place of my choosing instead. Today I am finally at peace. I know that one day I will get to share things with you as I have always dreamed for. But until then, I am comforted knowing you are looking down on me, sharing my life in another way. I have finally let you go from the burden of my heart. And there is only love and light surrounding me now, a sense of calm and peace thinking of the torment I put myself through in your absence in it’s entirety.
There is no more suffering for a love I lost but yet never received. There is no more wondering or living in an unrealistic world of what could have been. There is no more anger, disappointment or frustration for what may or may not have happened to you. Nor is there anymore questions surrounding the boys and whether they are actually yours… I have brothers. Now the difficult task of reaching back out to them and hoping they understand. But mainly I am relieved, for the pain has gone, the anguish, the torment and I am no longer blocking out this part of my life. I had a Father I know who loved me. For whatever reason he wasn’t there for me and I have forgiven him for that. I have forgiven him for not saving me and taking me away when I was younger. But mostly I feel blessed that I know I’m loved now, that I know he is there for me now and I know that he has helped guide me through this process and that I got what I wanted all along; a link to him and what better link than to have two brothers. I know he is proud of the woman I have become and that’s all I ever wanted.
I am truly blessed for my training (and my coach) to have the tools and ability to let go of the pain, let go of what could have been, let go of the only reminder I had of him and look forward with positivity and a different perspective; I’m not really letting go of the only reminder I have of my Dad, I am going to create new ones, positive reminders. I am going to share a love lost via other means.
I have finally found solace with the past and within myself. Through the darkness I found the light in myself to find the way out. In that darkness I faced my fears, faced my demons and found direction through feel as opposed to sight. I found faith in my intuition and learned how to trust it. I found motivation in despair, purpose in loneliness and strength in myself. I may have lost my way in the darkness for many years, but when I finally found the light, I found the world was more beautiful than I ever had imagined. I found true happiness even after all the loss I have experienced, and that was my one goal in life for many years. I am at peace with who I am, with what I have lost but more importantly what I have gained and the many beautiful, amazing people that I am blessed with every day, specifically my angel on this Earth, my baby boy. I have a deep sense of purpose, every day is a blessing and the future looks brighter than it ever has. After all it is my #crazybeautifullife