For the last couple of months I have been faced with my old story, old behaviours and have had my boundaries pushed.
I have recognised where I have been projecting and have sought external healing, (and what a healing it was! Aboriginal Holographic Kinetics Healing – look it up!)
Since that healing took place, I have recognised that I have outgrown what I thought I wanted. I have spent the last month since trying to identify why I didn’t feel better in my relationship and why things were getting worse.
Finally, it has taken me to be away from my surroundings, my support, my environment, my people, that I have felt pushed beyond my limits. I have allowed myself to feel unsettled in my groundedness, to the point I have been suffering anxiety for a week straight, (something I have not experienced in a very long time).
It has taken me to the point where I have been so consumed in emotions and feelings, felt so out of control in my own body again, for me to STOP.
WHERE has my control gone?
Where has my regulation gone?
Where has my consciousness and centreness expelled to?
I realised I was allowing these thoughts, feelings and emotions to take over my being because of fear.
And not fear of being in the relationship, (which has been a big thing for me).
But fear of losing the person I am in the relationship with. Again.
I have taken a few days to STOP thinking and to start feeling.
I have sat with my body and listened to her speak to me.
My anxiety has been screaming at me that this is all wrong.
I have had a cough for over three weeks. What was on my chest that I needed to get off? Eneverything I felt I needed to say to him but felt I couldn’t. (And funnily enough, since writing this my cough is all but gone).
Once I stopped, I started looking at my photos from my Yoga Teacher Training in Bali last year.
I was reminded of the how I felt in my mind and body at that time. How certain, clear and at peace I was in my heart. How driven I was in my purpose, yet more from a feminine energy, (unusual for me as I have come from a very masculine energy for most of my life, as a survival instinct).
I felt so in touch with my true being, my core, my soul, my purpose, my feminine goddess and everything that encompassed that.
I realised this week, I need to get back to me.
I have been so distracted and running on survival mode for the last year, (after losing my first business literally within weeks of my return from Bali, due to unfortunate and very hurtful conditions), that I became misaligned and went back to old habitual survival modes. (And as a result have had a lot to learn and grow through in this last year as I too have allowed people back into my life that represented that old survival conditioned me).
Once I had stopped, I realised where I had been going ‘wrong’, (rather where I had not seen and used the opportunities to utilise the new skills I had acquired). I stopped doing my yoga, I let doubt creep in, I let fear overtake, I allowed mistrust to take over unconsciously again.
I was fighting myself, for myself, to fight to get back what I had lost. (Reintroduction of the hurt child, fighting her way back in the world, to be seen and heard).
But in truth, I wasn’t meant to get back what I had lost, otherwise I would never have lost it in the first place.
I was meant to take what I had lost, gather the lessons and transmute it into something bigger and better!
Throughout the year I have recognised this (on and off) to a degree, and then got caught up in survival. I spent a year continuously dancing the tango of knowing what I needed to do, what I needed to focus on and getting caught in the web of old conditioning and hurt feelings.
I have realised that it’s ok to love someone and let them go.
It’s ok to love yourself more.
And that’s what I am doing, because I am committed to raising my bar and do not have the capacity nor the patience to accept narcissistic behaviours. Nor should I have to.
I also recognise that anything I see outside of myself is a just a reflection of my internal world and I need to explore this. Do I need to heal more of my hurt from my childhood that represents this for me? Or rather is it that I need to forgive myself for my past behaviours where I have displayed unhealthy behaviours on towards others?
I have recognised that in just a short time, I have allowed someone to impact my own inner peace to the point I was starting to really not like how I was being, that I had become reactive rather than maintain my responsiveness, and that we were arguing all the time which drove me more crazy. (I do not like and try to limit conflict and unnecessary arguments, due to appreciating how precious and short life is and how quickly it can be over).
So, in the last few days I have stopped, centred, grounded and started doing all the things I know I love and motivate me; yoga, priming, listening to music, working on my goals in a peak state.
In just three days I have escaped the hamster wheel I had playing out in my mind and I am calm, excited and filled with love and joy again.
My anxiety is gone.
My concerns are reasonable, warranted, but not taking over my body.
I am regulating my emotions, bringing awareness to my thoughts and feelings and working on what I need to work on in order to change my current circumstances.
I am making decisions I need to make, from a place of alignment not high emotive reactions. I am being responsive to what I need, rather than being reactive to what I think others want or how I have been reactive to behaviours; theirs and/or mine.
Today, after yoga, priming and feeling great after kicking off #SkyHighJuly, I realise for the last 6-9 months I have been looking for external gratification and validation, (which I have not done in some time).
Today, I recognised I forgot I have everything I need and am everything I need.
I am enough.
I am powerful, strong and resilient.
I am worth more than I am giving myself credit for of late.
That I have been looking for others to tell me this rather than telling myself more.
The truth is I love all of me and I am truly all I need.
And even though this last year, but in particular these last couple of months have been extremely challenging, I needed them to recognise what I have been running unconsciously and to commit to the healthy boundaries I have set for myself.
Today, I feel beautiful. I am filled with peace in my heart again and I have deep admiration for all the elements that make up me.
I am grateful for these last couple of months but realise it has been for a purpose and not a lifetime. And that’s ok.
I release the attachments to what and how I thought this would pan out.
I forgive myself for how I have handled certain things in this relationship, for my contribution to the break down of this relationship and for allowing myself to be so greatly impacted by external factors.
I am ready for what’s next.
But most importantly, I am ready to just love and be everything I need, for me and my boy.
I am stepping into abundance and ready to thrive once more.
This has been my revival and I’m ready to take off and fly to greater heights again.
I am the feminine and the masculine, and I am all I need in this moment.
Krissy is the proud founder of #SELFishMums and thought leader in 21st Century modern family thinking and being.
Krissy dedicates her life to empowering others, (particularly Mummas) to truly step into their power, own their self worth and learn the value of being #SELFish.
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